July 18, 2005
1250 Techny Road
Northbrook, IL 60062
Dear Olivia McCain:
We regret to inform you that your recent request for induction into the Jerks Non-Anonymous group has been denied. While you do exemplify some desirable jerky attributes, you were lacking in some other characteristics that we deem necessary for induction.
Please do not be discouraged, we do believe that you have potential (with practice) to become a member of our elite society. Please take some time to consider the following recommendations:
1. Practice your free-style jerking. Do not hesitate to break out into full jerkosity when around friends and/or strangers. A spontaneous jerk is a JERK!
2. Allow your reputation to precede you. When you walk down the street people should say, “Hey, there’s that jerk again” or “Look at that jerk go”. Keep your chin up; after all you are a jerk.
3. Jerks are not compassionate, they are dispassionate. The only passion that jerks have is a passion for jerkiness. Embrace your lack of compassion.
4. Real jerks do not do jerky things just to become a member. In fact, they could care less if they were in “that fucking club”. Jerkiness comes from the heart not desperation
5. Finally, always remember and live the timeless jerk motto, “If we cared what you thought about us, we’d be nice”.
Again, thanks for your application. We look forward to hearing more about your jerkiness.
Sincerely,
Mitchell Schwab, Head Jerk and Co President of Jerks Non-Anonymous/Global Recruitment Chair
Jake Simkin, Co President and Director of Jerk Operations/Domestic Recruitment Chair
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