I want to know your opinion on this, so please post it in the comments section.
Is there ever a time/moment when it's good to be selfish? Does being selfish ever bring about good?
My mom said that since she married Jerry she doesn't have to be selfish. She focuses on Jerry's needs and he focuses on her's. Both of their needs are met and neither of them are selfish.
What do you guys think?
9 comments:
i think the word 'selfish' has a really negative connotation to it. it reminds me of the word 'sacrafice'.
i find it's okay to be selfish, sometimes, but only you know those times. you sometimes have to be in order to stay true and be true to yourself. but in regards to relationships, you have to find a mutual ground to be 'selfish' on ... it's just like 'compromising'.
i think the word 'selfish' has a really negative connotation to it.
i think the word 'selfish' has a really negative connotation to it.tout débordementdébordement
I'm not quite sure i can answer the questions you posed, if it's ever good to be selfish. I think i'd say yes. At the same time, i think there is deep truth to what your mom says about her relationship with Jerry - and it is somewhat of a mysterious truth. I guess my fear of not being selfish, of having to commit myself to someone else's needs instead of defending and fighting for my own, is that i will be lost, that my needs will not be met, that I will disappear. It doesn't seem like devoting oneself to another's needs would result in much of anything except servitude and a loss of self - and indeed, in unhealthy situations, that is often what happens. But I think what your mom talks about is part of the mystery of marriage and of love, true love. That by committing entirely to the other person, somehow you find your self, and through trust and love your needs are met.
From what i know of your mom, she seems to be a strong, intelligent, accomplished woman (much like I believe you to be, too). This notion of mutual commitment seems to work for her - she is who she is (someone i think you are proud of) and Jerry is who he is, i suspect, because of their commitment to each other rather than to furthering their own agendas.
It's also biblical. Paul, or someone, talks about having to die to self to find your self. I'm not sure what that means, exactly, i've not figured it out and there's probably not a formula for the idea, but it has something to do with love, love as we witness it through our faith in Christ.
This is a long comment! I don't have this all figured out, Olivia - i'm by no means a model of love, selflessness, care, and commitment. I don't know if i've answered your questions at all and i may have said more than anyone wanted to read!
One more thing: there's a book called Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix (I may have mentioned this before), but his notion of love and relationship is similar: by committing fully to our partner, we find ourselves and our needs are met. It's paradoxical, mysterious, and a lot of work.
thank you both for your insight. i appreciate the feedback
karla - i am ordering the book.
love you :)
i firmly believe selfishness isn't a negative attribute.
being selfsish simply means doing whatever makes you feel the best.
if that means caring for someone else, then it's still what you want to do, it just happens to positively affect another person.
i think every action anyone takes is selfish, because it's a decision to do what you ultimately want to do the most.
even if it's dying for a cause, it's still an individual choosing death over living with the awareness of the cause or injustice plaguing him or her.
mother theresa was just as selfish as anyone else, because what she felt compelled to do, what made her feel the most 'right' in her life, is what she did. it just happened to positively affect a whole lot of people.
i've have had serious issues with the term selfish being looked at negatively for a long time.
everyone is selfish. all the time.
the judgement part comes based on what it is that makes different people feel good. and how many people it affects, positively or negatively.
what your mother describes sounds wonderful, and i think the reality of two people who are able to support each other and take on some of each other's burden is what it's all about.
I think there are times when it's good to be selfish. LIke when you really want that last piece of pie. But you know someone else wants it really bad. But even though you've already had three slices, and they haven't had any, it's good to be selfish and take it for you.
another example - sometimes people say things like "Hey, can I borrow a pen?" or "hey, can anybody help me, I need help moving a couch into my apartment." In those instances it's always okay to say "No, I'd rather watch the Laker game on TV" or "no. Thanks for asking though." As you can see, it's good to be selfish sometimes. Otherwise, you can't watch the Laker game on TV. And you just have to read about it in the paper, because your stupid friend wants to get a new couch. I mean, who's calling who selfish? Just stick with your old couch. Geez
What's weird is that, when i focus on someone else, I often find what makes me happy. Only by focusing on others, are you ever fulfilled.
The only time this is not true is when you are two years old. Ask Gavin. He's selfish and loves it! But, if he's going to get along the world, he better find a way to include others in his sphere.
That's not to say that, at times, Jerry and I don't disagree. sometimes jerry wants something i don't want. Like he wants to golf 3 times a week with a guy who is a jerk. I don't want him to do that. and, the selfish part in me wants him to not want to do it either.
but if i get my way, i somehow lose. And if jerry gets his way, he somehow loses. So, by not focusing on our own desires, we find a way to make it work. He plays golf often, but not 3 times a week, with a jerk.
Selfish is when you focus on your own desires - getting what you want - and then lose something in the process. Mother theresa didn't lose anything in the process, so she was not selfish.
What does it gain a man to have the whole world and lose his own soul? That's selfish.
If you can have what you truly want (like mother theresa or someone in a marriage) and not lose in the process, then you are not selfish.
It's a mystery.
mom
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