I believe it's quite obvious that I'm awesome. Hell, I'm the one who founded National Arrogance Day! Of course I'm awesome! Think about it; how many of you can say you founded a holiday? None. Only the truly supreme, like myself and Jesus...for example, can make such a statement.
But this year, my friends, even I have surpassed my own perfection! How is that possible, you ask? Well, I'm immortal, bitches!!! In the past 6 months I have faced death twice and beat it!
Flumonia tried to lessen my incredible life but my immune system is stronger than any other it had encountered. Come to find out, I am actually the CURE for Flumonia. Without you, my readers, even knowing it, there is a great chance you had the Flumonia but because of your affiliation with me, I saved you from it.
You're welcome. I'm glad I could save all of your lives.
Shortly after Flumonia, the Claritin D thought it could squash my life by closing up my esophagus but Hell No! No one can diminish my incredible life! Nothing can stop me! My body is a gift to humankind and the powers That Be will not let me be harmed or damaged in anyway. The powers That Be prefer me right where I am...more powerful than they are.
So on this blessed day of National Arrogance Day, instead of stating the obvious of how smart I am, how funny my jokes are, and how incredibly generous I am, I will just say this: I'm Immortal. My awesomeness knows no timeline. I will rock for eternity.
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This being my first celebration of this event let me start by saying, "How the Hell did you celebrate awesomeness before you knew me?" But I'll let it pass based on the fact that you may have believed you had an inkling of what awesomeness was. It's common misconception. Allow me to correct it.
Much like the book of Matthew, to truly describe my awesomeness we need some context. My Grandfather created the Atomic Bomb. My Great-Grandfather was in charge of the Berlin Airlift, for those of you who are not history buffs let me explain. You know how we went in and kicked the hell out of Iraq and then realized we had no idea what to do next? Well back in WWII we spanked the Nazi's and Harry S. Truman thought, "Crap, how do we keep Germany from becoming a quagmire that will never fully recover, draining the world economy and making me look like an idiot?" So he told my Great-Grandpa to figure it out. And he did. My Great-Great-Great-Grandfather wrote the beloved hymn "O Little Town of Bethlehem". He then went on to give the eulogy for his good friend, Abe. Abe who? Only one history's greatest orators (Four score and seven years ago ring a bell?). Who do you get to speak at someone that amazing's funeral? A relative of me of course. A little further back you'd find my ancestor William Bradford traveled across the Atlantic on a ship named the Mayflower, and upon arriving in a hostile land the rest of the people with him recognized the spark of greatness in him and elected him Supreme Leader. History has changed that title to "Governor" but we proud ancestors know the truth. One final note... I also am directly related to Charlemagne, the emperor of the Holy Roman Empire. So when I go to Europe, I'm actually royalty and expect to be treated as such.
So when I tell you that my awesomeness surpasses all of my genetic predecessors you should know it's no meager claim. I was born in May of 1980. 5 days after my birth the Earth realized it hadn't celebrated properly yet and so Mt. St. Hellens erupted. After cruising through schools and degrees like a Porsche in the carpool lane, I moved on to the working world. Finding little challenge in the area of computer science I took it on myself to spread my creativity to the whole world and started writing screenplays. On the first draft of my first script I was optioned. Since then I have been forced to turn down many a Hollywood producer because they don't "fit my creative vision".
I indulge only in the finer things of life. When I drink scotch it is Single Malt. Preferably aged over 15 years. When I drink beer, it's expensive. I take my coffee black as any additives only ruin the perfection of the bean. In playing cards I prefer Bridge as it is the only game complicated enough to keep me amused. I am known as "Magic Fingers" in 17 states (not including Puerto Rico) for my massage talents. I have been in only one fight in my life (in the 8th grade) and I won it with such conviction that I was never bullied again.
I have also been told by many people that while wearing gray and khaki is usually a fashion "no-no" I somehow pull it off with aplomb.
You two have WAY too much time on your hands!!!
LOL! I love this holiday. Your line about you and Jesus creating holidays made me laugh out loud. Nicely done. I'll need to work on an entry of my own. Of course it will be one day late...I'm too awesome and busy to adhere to deadlines. ;)
First, about me. I was busy moving all day yesterday (spreading the goodness that is me to a new part of Durham) and I haven't yet had time to even process how great I am. I know you all have been waiting for my entry, and don't worry, I wouldn't let this holiday go by without celebration! Like Michelle, I too will be fashionably late.
Olivia, at first I thought you forgot to mention your hotness, but I quickly realized it's because it's SO obvious that it goes without saying. So you know, from now on whenever anyone asks me which superhero I would want to be, my answer will be Olivia. What? You don't know her? I guess I'm not surprised. You're not awesome enough.
Chris, I didn't realize how long and far your history of awesomeness extended. You're famous! And "Magic Fingers" in 17 states? Impressive. You left out the fact that they designed one of the guys on Rock Band to look like you. Or does everyone already know that?
Olivia + Chris = awesomeness squared. I didn't think it was possible, but oh, it is. You guys are such a good match and this post proved it.
I have awesome friends. :)
The Awesomeness.
Or, perhaps a more appropriate title would be "His Awesomenss". That's my new name. I am aware that yesterday was actually National Arrogance Day, but I am too cool to live by rules. Besides, I was out doing something so cool that your head would explode if I described it. The sheer force of the awesomeness would be too much to be contianed by your skull. I am also aware that the work "contained" is not spelled "contianed", but I called the people from Webster's Dictionary to inform them of the change, and they are currently revamping the English language to accommodate my request.
I was walking around downtown today, and I walked by a park where a band was playing. They must have realized that His Awesomeness was approaching, because they immediately started playing "Bad to the Bone". I stopped and listened for a minute, and then I realized that I had almost delayed the important things that I was doing to hear the unimportant sounds that were coming from unimportant people. I had almost gotten to my destination when it started to rain. I didn't want to get wet so I made it stop raining with the power of my mind. His Awesomeness does not like getting rained on.
You are all lucky to have me as a part of your lives. Whatever you are doing, it is only half as good as it would be if His Awesomeness were there. I hope that you had a good National Arrogance Day, but if I wasn't there, it probably sucked.
Your Hero,
His Awesomeness
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